Jillian Rhodes
EDUC-2530-005
Mike Link
10 March 2014
Book Review: Letters to Sam
Letters to Sam by Daniel Gottlieb is a collection of letters from the author to his grandson Sam. The letters were later collected by the author to form the book, with the addition of an introduction, and all proceeds from the sale of the book go to Cure Autism Now and other children’s charities. Gottlieb, or “Pop” as he calls himself in the letters, is a fifty-three year old clinical psychologist at the time the letters begin, and he has been in a wheelchair with quadriplegia for the past twenty years.
Before his second birthday, Sam is diagnosed with autism, and Gottlieb’s letters acquire a new direction. Depending on the severity of Sam’s autism, he may never be able to fully comprehend his grandfather’s letters. However, Gottlieb recognizes that the lessons he has learned from his wheelchair, about life’s challenges and being “different,” will be invaluable to Sam in his life as a child, and later an adult, who will always be seen by others as “different,” and so he continues to write. Through his letters, Gottlieb offers Sam wisdom on life and love, through his own experiences and what he has learned from clients in his practice as a clinical psychologist, emphasizing above all the importance of love and acceptance. Gottlieb’s words offer advice to Sam, but also to everyone in all walks of life, about the importance of a life well lived.
Gottlieb begins by expressing his delight at the birth of his grandson, writing to Sam about the joy he has brought to the family. After Sam’s diagnosis, Gottlieb focusses more on teaching Sam how to deal with his own differentness, autism, through the lessons he has learned with quadriplegia. He writes about loneliness, differentness, and resilience. He writes, “Sam, I want you to know that being different is not a problem. It’s just being different. Feeling different is a problem. When you feel different, the feeling can actually change the way you see the world” (30). He tells Sam that asking for help is not a bad thing, and that the true measure of a person is not their accomplishments, but how well you have lived your life. His advice to Sam applies to everyone, though, as Gottlieb writes, “Every chapter in this book is a letter to Sam. Some are stories about my life. Most are stories about what I’ve learned. All are stories about what it means to be human” (16).
Gottlieb’s every word should be read by everyone. A perfect mix of humour and therapy, Letters to Sam reminds everyone that “However your résumé measures your success, I hope you will remember what your soul needs. Not wealth, prestige, and possessions, but the adult responsibility to love someone every day a little more than you did the day before” (131). This is the central message of the book, one I believe more people should believe. Society tells us that success, measured by money and accolades, is the ultimate goal and the key to happiness, yet this world seems to be filled with miserable overachievers. Our schools, our universities, and our workplaces are teeming with people who believe that if they can just attain that, then they will be happy. The new car, the higher-paying job, the husband, the wife, the house, the clothes, all are seen as the missing ticket to happiness, but Gottlieb insists to Sam, and to the reader, that “Real happiness is the byproduct of a life well lived” (130).
One of the greatest impediments to this happiness is our desperate clutching of accomplishments and grasping for more. This restless desire consumes our lives, and leaves us with little time and energy to feed our souls and love others. Gottlieb tells Sam that our bodies release endorphins when we do things for others, making us happier when we make others happier. More startling, however, is Gottlieb’s next remark: “Your differentness will make people want to help you, too; and helping you will help them feel good” (60). In this way, Gottlieb frames Sam’s autism as a gift he can give to other people, by allowing them to help him when he needs it, and also boosting their own happiness in the process. Gottlieb embraces Sam’s disability, as he has learned to accept his own, and sees the positive side of needing help from others.
Gottlieb’s experience is not without trials. The pain of adjusting to life with quadriplegia, not “as a quadriplegic” as he quickly points out, taught him the true nature of grief, which is a longing for yesterday, rather than living in the present (78). By reframing his grief in this way, Gottlieb was able to heal psychologically, though slowly, and this is another message that he passes on to Sam. Live in the present and do the best you can with what you find there.
Gottlieb also challenges the popular conception that as long as exceptional people are being “productive,” they are okay. What does this productivity look like? Is it the ability to live independently, hold a job, volunteer, go to school? Instead, Gottlieb tells his grandson, “When you show compassion - and when you receive it - you are being productive. I hope no one will be able to convince you otherwise” (146). The love and wisdom of a grandfather, combined with the training of a psychologist, and the experience of someone with quadriplegia, create a genuine, compassionate collection of letters that tells everyone, no matter what their exceptionality, that they are okay just as they are.
This book is for everyone. For those who have experienced life with autism or quadriplegia, or those who know someone who has, this in an invaluable resource. For anyone who has experienced pain or loss, this book offers incredible insight and beautiful personal stories to help those in the process of healing. For anyone who has ever felt empty in the pursuit of material success, this book will teach you how to find happiness, and for everyone else, this book will give you a better understanding of what it means to be human.
Work Cited
Gottlieb, Daniel. Letters to Sam: A Grandfather’s Lessons on Love, Loss, and the Gifts of Life. New York: Sterling Publishing Co., Inc., 2006. Print.
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